Imagine

• Taoism Shit happens.
• Confucianism Confucius says: “Shit happens”.
• Buddhism If shit happens, it is not really shit.
• Zen Buddhism Shit is, and is not.
• Hinduism This shit happened before.
• Shintoism This shit happens everywhere.
• Judaism Why does this shit always happen to us?
• Christianity Shit happens to sinners.
• Islam Shit happens if it is the will of God.
• Polytheism Shit happens for a variety of reasons.
• Astrology Shit is written in the stars.
• Catholicism If shit happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism Shit happens, so let ‘s make it worthwhile.
• Lutheranism When shit happens, change the subject.
• Calvinism Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
• Anglicanism More shit happens in Rome.
• Presbyterianism This shit was bound to happen.
• Episcopalism It ‘s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
• Methodism It ‘s not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve it with grape juice.
• Congregationalism Shit that happens to one person is just as good as that happens to another.
• Hasidism Shit never happens the same way twice.
• Orthodox Judaism So shit happens, already!
• Samaritanism Your shit is my shit.
• Zoroastrianism Shit happens half of the time.
• Jainism All shit happens to be alive.
• Sikhism Leave our shit alone.
• Ba’hai We are the shit that happens.
• Sufism The wise man has other things on his mind when shit happens.
• Mithra Shit shall continue to happen until the return of Mithras.
• Platonism There is an ideal shit, of which all the shit that happens is but an imperfect image.
• Animism Some shit happier than others.
• Baptism It ‘s not too bad if shit happens just before washing.
• Anabaptism It ‘s not so bad if shit happens, just clean up afterwards.
• Mennonitism Shit happens, but as long as you ‘re sorry, it ‘s OK.
• Greek Orthodox Church Shit happens, usually in three’s.
• Russian Orthodox Church Do not think shit does not happen.
• Seventh Day Adventism No shit shall happen on Saturday.
• Televangelism Send more shit.
• Evangelism If shit happens, pass it on.
• Unitarianism All shit that happens, is one.
• Universalism All that happens, is one shit.
• Christian Science Shit happening is all in your mind.
• Secular Humanism Shit evolves.
• Gnosticism If shit happens, it ‘s a secret.
• Theosophy You don’t know half of the shit that happens.
• Puritanism S*** can happen all day as long as you don’t call it that.
• Obscurantism The shit that appears to be happening is an illusion.
• Mysticism Some weird shit is going on.
• Occultism Sh, it happens.
• Shamanism Holy shit!
• Quakers Let us not quarrel over this shit.
• Amish Shit happening is good for the soil.
• Deism God did not make this shit happen.
• Sophism If shit happens, don’t step in it.
• Solopsism If it doesn’t happen, it can’t be shit.
• Utopianism This shit doesn’t smell at all.
• Darwinism This shit was once food.
• Creationism No shit happened before Sunday 23 October 4004 BC.
• Fundamentalism Shit happens from within.
• Chauvinism No matter how shit, we happen.
• Despotism Let only one shit happen.
• Feminism Shit is male as it happens.
• Nationalism Shit happens in the global village.
• Patriotism Our shit happens better than yours.
• Fascism Shit happens right on time.
• Marxism Shit has nothing to lose but to happen.
• Stalinism In five years, shit will happen on an industrial scale.
• Communism Let ‘s share this shit.
• Capitalism That ‘s my shit.
• Socialism If shit happens, let ‘s distribute it equally.
• Anarchism This shit is going to hit the fan.
• Commercialism If shit happens, sell it.
• Head-in-the-sandism If there is no shit, it doesn’t happen.
• Conservatism Shit doesn’t happen like it used to.
• Opportunism It would be silly for shit not to happen.
• Idolism Let ‘s bronze this shit.
• Purism If shit must happen, let only shit happen.
• Idealism Be prepared that all shit will happen, eventually.
• Apathism Who gives a shit?
• Freudianism Shit that happens is like sex.
• Behaviorism Shit is conditioned to happen.
• Empiricism Shit only happens if I see it happen.
• Relativism Every shit happens differently.
• Stoicism This shit doesn’t bother me.
• Epicurism Shit happens after a good meal.
• Impressionism From a distance, this shit looks like a garden.
• Expressionism Excrement comes and goes.
• Cubism If shit happens, you won’t recognize it.
• Minimalism More than enough shit happens as it does.
• Existentialism What is this shit, anyway?
• Objectivism Shit happens to happen.
• Individualism Let ‘s make shit happen so at least we know who to blame.
• Sensationalism The shit that happens to the rich and famous is much more glamorous.
• Populism If shit happens, silence the perpetrators.
• Progressivism Less shit happens every day, relatively speaking.
• Egalitarianism Shit and no shit happen both.
• Orwellianism Big shit is happening to you.
• Mormonism This shit is going to happen again.
• Scientology If shit happens, see ‘Dianetics’, page 157.
• Jehovah’s Witnesses Shit has been prophesied and is imminent, and only the righteous shall survive its happening. 
• Hare Krishna Shit happens, rama, rama. 
• Moonism Only really happy shit happens.
• Jesuitism How can we know if shit happens and nobody hears it?
• Mesmerism Sleep and no shit will happen.
• Rastafarianism Let ‘s smoke this shit.
• Navajo Shit happens in the wind and best in the shade.
• Hopi Corn fertilizer happens.
• Maya Shit happens in cycles.
• Inca Only holy shit happens.
• Aztec If shit happens, the Gods want to see more blood.
• New Age All shit is one shit.
• Holism When shit happens, it happens everywhere at once.
• Hitchhikerism If shit happens, the answer is 42.
• Ecology If organic shit happens, it ‘s OK.
• Cannibalism Eat only what does not happen.
• Vegetarianism If it happens to shit, don’t eat it.
• Hedonism There ‘s nothing like a good shit happening!
• Materialism Whoever dies with the most shit, wins.
• Fetishism If shit happens, go for more.
• Egotism My shit happens.
• Narcissism I love this shit!
• Cynicism But of course shit happens.
• Fatalism Oh shit, it ‘s going to happen.
• Meliorism Shit is happening now, but it will soon cease to happen.
• Futurism More shit will happen sooner or later.
• Realism There is shit, as it happens.
• Surrealism Other shit could also happen.
• Pragmaticism Deal with shit one day at a time.
• Skepticism Maybe shit happens, but then again, maybe not.
• Liberalism Shit has a right to happen.
• Pacifism Give shit a chance to happen.
• Hippie Make happenings, not shit.
• Punk Never mind what happens.
• Druidism Shit happens around the Sacred Oak.
• Satanism !SNEPPAH TIHS
• Voodoo Shit happens from me to you.
• Witchcraft Mix this shit together and it will happen.
• Wicca If shit happened once, it will happen twice more.
• Online This shit never happens in real life.
• Eschatology You think shit happens now, you just wait.
• Escapism If shit happens, don’t look back.
• Atheism I can’t believe this shit!
• Agnosticism I don’t know shit.
• Nihilism No shit.

Shit happens